there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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