did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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