Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I touched a dick in church today
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize