Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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