Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
