Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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