i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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