Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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