I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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