Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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