i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
