just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
