I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
