Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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