I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
