Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
