One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t yaâ€
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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