Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she told me i tasted like america
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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