I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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