I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
