I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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