I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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