I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
