I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
