is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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