Who wears a wallet chain?!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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