How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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