I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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