I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
