It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
