we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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