im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
