pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
