my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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