who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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