I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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