I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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