legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
