Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
