the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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