i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
