my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
