I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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