Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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