Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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