I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
