my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize