i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
