need another drink. this is the easiest way
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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