so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
