someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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