I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
