No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Never joke about your clitoris.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
