last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
