we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
