Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
