Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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